I find myself looking for light in the deepest of spaces.
The earth just keeps caving in around me as I dig and dig.
Dreaming of fireworks and open hands.
Flying through dreams of stills.
Moments you recreate and remember
This is as it will always be.
Disappearing completely.
My dad told me today that one of his friend’s wife died from Breast Cancer today. He then made the comment:
“We used to get together for birthday parties for the kids. Then it was birthday parties for the grandkids. Now we only get together for funerals.”
I think he half meant it to be funny, but maybe ended up just depressing himself.
Some times you just want to run out there and tell someone everything. Just talk their head straight off their shoulders. And when it matters, I’m pinched at the lips. You fall short of every word that runs around in your head. Ping ponging off the walls with a muffled echo. I don’t often wonder about the things I can’t experience first hand, like planets, super novas, summers in Switzerland. Because sometimes all that wondering keep raising this thing high and high into the air. Then when you finally get to experience it, your expectations fall short. What do you do then? Shrug it off I guess. Maybe I just need to chill the fuck out. It’s like getting to the top of Mt. Everest and not being able see past your own nose. I mean, you know you’re at the highest point in the world and you certainly feel it if you haven’t curled over already. What is it really?
I was reading an old interview back with Ray Caesar about how his creative process is more of an obsession than anything. I can’t help but feel so much the same. Often times I’ll guilt myself into working for hours and hours without breaks. Some might say that’s a good work ethic, I can’t say for certain. I do enjoy the end result, when the completion of a project finally nears, some of them never end. I realize too though I can’t ever stop creating things – even if they’re shit. There’s just all this compulsion that kind of surrounds the process and I can’t be happy with it or without it. Maybe because it helps me bypass the typical emotional rotation of: contentedness, loneliness, sadness, indifference, repeat. The ability to create is like the ability to move, without it I’m dead in the water. No matter how much I hate it, no matter how much it frustrates me. I still don’t know why I do this.
My weakest moments often become the best of my life. I’m wondering if I’ll make it out of this one.