The timing is always so off. I can’t train my mind otherwise. Sleep would be wonderful right about now.
I think the looming thought of not knowing where my next paycheck will be coming from in the near future is taking its toll. Until I figure that situation out, I don’t think I’ll feel any better about things – things that are going relatively well… I should be in a better mood. I feel like I’ve been doing the whole graphic design thing for so long even though I’ve never really done anything substantial. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like I’ve done anything substantial now that I think about it. So tired. Sometimes I want to just stop. If I had it my way I probably wouldn’t really be doing graphic design I think, I don’t know anymore. I can’t tell if I’m trying anymore or just kind of going through the motions. I guess I shouldn’t say that since I am busting my ass for some of these school projects. Point is, I can’t really tell if I still enjoy it, but I’ll finish this because I’ve never really finished anything. See where it goes.
“Nature and the Wreck” -Mates of State
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
“Horizon Variations” -Max Richter
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
“Don’t Watch Me Dancing” -Little Joy
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
I’ve never felt entirely in or out of control. I’ve always felt the natural progression of life was steady and that our own empty spaces put us out of sync. Mostly out of sync but sometimes and briefly we’d be on time. The moments you wake up without the pains in your back. The moments when you catch the new line opening at the crowded market. The moments when you don’t remember how you usually are around people.
Suddenly though, we’re back to trying to catch up or slow down, neither is very useful. It’s sweet because its familiar, its bitter because its predictable. Things won’t taste right for weeks. Traffic seems to be everywhere. My cigarettes taste like shit. I can’t even drink this down if I tried. This goes beyond suppression.
The space remains here because we think it has purpose. That this space is a recipient of something so beautifully sweet and wonderful. By keeping this space, you’ll never feel anything new. You’ll never let them through. You’ll never understand why there are months like these when things all just kind of fabricate themselves.
I can’t really believe any of this.
