C O N V E R G E

For at least the past twenty-four hours I’ve been listening to sad-as-hell shoegaze music by Hammock. It’s just on replay in the background. As with most long periods of being single, you kind of get accustomed to doing most activities alone. I am not in a position in my life where I am unhappy but there is something very specific missing. Most of my stress these days come in the form of finances and school work. I feel pretty overwhelmed most of the time; expectations of my work are fairly high and that is pretty unsettling. I want to do well but in no way am I aiming to be at the top. Most people want that more so than I do and I am more than happy to let other take the lead usually. My lack of competitive nature sometimes leads me to believe I am not fit for graphic design. I like to think my work is best when there is the least amount of pressure for it to be “amazing.” Then all I think about is how can I make this amazing and just kind of buckle beneath all the streams of thought.

Before, being lonely used to be at the driver’s seat. That’s pretty much all I’d talk or think about. I still do, to some extent, think that way but often other things worry me more because I’ve come to realize that usually, there are worse things than being alone. I’d like to think by now, I’ve got a plentiful bag of tricks to keep my mind off of it, but then there are times when I just recline and seep right back into all. It just feels so disabling. I notice its effect on my work and daily life but I just can’t seem to get over these fits.

I can still have fun and joke about whatever – have a few beers and be happy. Somewhere in the back of my mind though he’s just tapping his foot. Waiting for a chance to sneak up behind me and remind me how much I am never truly settled in my own self. But I think we get used to living in moments that are always temporary. Each day you just try to make something out of nothing. That’s all you really can do. Because if you just work yourself up over all the bullshit that get thrown at you: you’re bound to just stroke out and that’s it.