I don’t want to write about this as if were some kind of significant happening. It is mostly my delusion that creates these narratives. I would almost go on to say it is unfair to encounter someone in such a way–I think I would be better off not knowing. The distraction wouldn’t hang over me and I wouldn’t be expecting to run into * around every corner. I wouldn’t be making up these stories in my head about a life that is quite different from how it is now. I’m in a point in my life that’s actually good without the thoughts of another and it was good until. I keep trying to put myself in a situation that makes sense but I feel stupid every time. I’m not so sad when I drink anymore, I certainly don’t drink to hide anything. It feels like I’m being honest. I feel like I’m not being so reserved. It’s just too bad I’m not in a situation to make use of this freedom. I want to believe its the same on the other side and stupidity has gotten the best of me.
There are people I don’t want to let down, including myself. But sometimes I wonder when I’ll cave and just take off. It always seems as I’m doing the same things. Get something good and leave it behind, because I’m probably afraid of losing it in any other light. Its no surprise I am not a risk taker. I can’t feel normal without knowing where the outcome lands. I hate it when things I love are taken away from me. I don’t like not being in control of things but it seems I will never take the lead. I’ll just keep writing and writing, till eventually it might make sense.