I’ve started to associate you with loneliness, mainly because you only manifest yourself when I am in such a state. It’s as if loneliness can only be measured by the past. It’s a daydream I have of a moment in time, only knowing I’m in it when I snap back into place. Several people have told me they’ve run into you. I’m not entirely sure why they tell me, I guess its natural that we used to be associated and still do, but in an unmetioned past tense form. I don’t feel an uneasiness in thinking about you, I guess I feel more uneasy going back into thinking of the ghost I did back in Boston. My curious and insecure nature always has to see if anyone is looking. I don’t know what I’d say to you if I ran into you. I would be friendly for certain but there would just slowly be this large gap between words. Maybe that’s the closure I need. Last time I saw you I basically left two weeks later to Boston, wherein everything I knew in LA froze into a stasis. When I came back everything snapped back into the present, except for your image. Maybe I just need to see you unhappy as I was, working for tips, making nice to people you hate. Maybe I need to see you happy and realize I’ve never been apart of that.
It feels restrictive and tiring to have the next three and a half years planned for myself. I don’t know normally like to set parameters, I think I’m afraid of executing or perhaps I feel enclosed. Maybe this has a relation to my intimacy issues I apparently have. Execution has always been a weak point for me. I often like to diverge from a plan if I feel too confined. Starting new is almost always easier that fixing or cleaning up what’s messy. I know what I want, but I feel as if I can’t trust that voice telling me what I need. It doesn’t sound like me at all. It doesn’t feel the same as before. It’s times like this when I can’t trust that voice and I haven’t felt this way in months.
I feel like riding my bike until my thighs catch on fire.