C O N V E R G E

Sometimes, I can’t really tell the line between saying what I mean and just saying something that I felt I had to say. Part of me says I’m still stuck in this dream or this ideal of back when I was dating Jaclyn, then the other part of me says I’m over it. Somehow though, I’m convinced just because I haven’t fucked or remotely even had interest in anyone since then means that I’m not completely over her. I’m beginning to think that this monologue is something that happens when you’re out the door and on your way–not a moment when you’re still thinking of the past. Am I loathing everything I’ve become since then? Sure, but how has that changed from even before her; it hasn’t really. Everything seems accelerated after significant pieces of life are altered in such short time spans. Maybe I have become accustomed to this lifestyle (for lack of a better word) and this is how everything should be because I willed it to be. For maybe, a second time in my life I have some actual focus again–it is monumental in a lot of ways but nothing of the likes of coitus. California is burning and I say how much I dislike it but I returned here for a reason and I think I just might be headed in a direction that was intended and not situational. What’s real and what’s fabricated will probably still elude me most of the time but I am certain the moment I fully regain focus, I’ll probably find a reason to lose it all over again. This time, I’ll try to stay on track and I’ll do the best I can as a man and a human being. I’m thinking that all any of us can really do.