Let go. Say yes. Be honest.
Let go. Say yes. Be honest.
The nights never end the way I would like them to. I’ve replayed it in my head a hundred times it seems. Yet it still never even comes close to being real. The problem is that: she is real. This is all very real. I am completely unrealistic. This, by no means, is typical but it is real and follows a trajectory typical of someone with a mindset such as mine. But I keep returning to the same moments that never happened. Moments that I can’t seem to make happen. I’m in love with potential. Deluded by expectations. Sobered by reality. I swear I still see it at the end. I’m just not sure if I’ll make it that far.
I keep replaying all these well-taken photographs.
In them, is myself and an empty space
As if the photo were taken of two.
I won’t be happy until I find out who you are.
I’d get it all mixed up just to have every bone in my body broken.
If it meant viewing these lonely photographs.
To know that you existed at one point in life,
My life, this life.
I’d rather spend the days forgetting you existed
Than spending my days wondering if you did at all.
Some times I go through these motions of loneliness and more often than not feel these sense of immediacy. That it must be addressed right then and now. It’s been like this for almost two years now—its nothing new. But I get up every morning to do the whole school thing and I go out with my friends so I am by no means unoccupied. It’s just that third party that kind of makes everything else that is good in life that much sweeter, a little sugar in your cereal. I’m hopeless in the idea it would be something that came natural or serendipitously and I’m far too cynical and self-deprecating to believe that someone would ever accept me like I am right now. I like cigarettes and coffee, I enjoy bike rides and conversation that is ridiculous. I like getting drunk with friends and talking passionately about ridiculous situations and life goals. I like making people laugh it makes me feel less awkward. Overall I think I’m a pretty nice guy, I say “pardon me”, I hold doors open for old ladies but I don’t really do charity. I also complain a lot but I make up for it in sarcasm and sophomoric jokes. I’m comfortable with who I am for the most part but if I had a choice to make things “easier” I’d probably choose the latter.
Just sayin’
They just keep dragging me back in…